03 May Successful Conversation Skills for Your Personal and Professional Progress
Creating connections for moving into an enjoyable future.
Successful Conversation Skills for Your Personal and Professional Progress
By Ruth Schimel, PhD, Career & Life Management Consultant, Author. 202.659.1772 ruth@ruthschimel.com www.ruthschimel.com
© 2022. Obtain permission from author to share widely.
Contributing to engaging, effective conversation is a process accessible to most people. Whether you tend toward introversion or extroversion, you can show interest in another person. Yet the attention and empathy that make such interest authentic does not always come automatically.
In any event, you can jump start yourself by adapting, using, and improving on the successful conversation skills suggested here for your personal and professional progress. Though you can’t make others into scintillating or even thoughtful conversationalists, you could:
- improve communication as you pay attention to cues and openings
- be an authentic model to support trust building
- excuse yourself gracefully when conversation ends naturally or goes nowhere
Rev up your engine. When broadcaster Charlie Gibson drew out the first female NASCAR driver to lead the pack in the Indianapolis 500, he started somewhat unpredictably. Reflecting her possible emotions, he wondered if rookie Danica Patrick was relieved or frustrated when she finished fourth. It was a little riskier, yet more interesting, than a generic, open-ended question such as “What do you think of the race?”
Instead, he seemed to walk in Patrick’s shoes, reflecting her possible feelings. Since Gibson had established some rapport with his warmth and awareness of what happened, she gave an original response. His attention paid off.
But Gibson had data to go on and decades of practice — maybe even a producer whispering in his earpiece. In contrast, often you’re talking to someone about whom you know little or nothing. Perhaps you’re in a group or face to face with an acquaintance. Or maybe you’re in a new situation such as a Zoom small group.
When you want to improve your experience in a routine or even an uncomfortable interpersonal situation, experiment with the following ideas and suggestions.
Find common ground by asking open-ended questions such as, “What are your interests?” or offering something brief and relevant about yourself. Maybe mention a current event or the situation you’re both in with a little flair or humor. When possible, avoid generic inquiries such as “What do you do?” or “How are you doing?”
In Latin American countries, I encountered surprising questions such as “What religion are you?” Thus, you can see that what’s routine in one culture may be different — and possibly intrusive — in another. Given today’s multi-cultural world, you won’t have to travel far to connect with people of various backgrounds and styles. That richness and challenge can be disconcerting or enjoyable as well as relieve boredom.
Be alert to your own feelings and others’ non-verbal cues so you can proceed with awareness and sensitivity. Do you feel full of juice or a little at a loss for words sometimes? Get comfortable by briefly labeling whatever’s distracting you and putting it in your self-awareness pocket to take out later. In the moment, though, focus on considering others’ perspectives and seeking some connection. That shift may distract you from whatever discomfort you may feel.
An example of another’s discomfort may be a deer in headlights expression, a defensive posture such as crossed arms, or shyness showing in lack of eye contact. Then, adjust your behavior to accommodate their reality without succumbing to it.
Transcend first impressions. Someone else’s behavior may have more to do with their habits, different purpose, or discomfort than with you.
Instead, imagine what would put the other person at ease. If you can’t make a specific positive comment about their appearance or ideas without appearing to be a suck-up, be forthright.
Try something such as: “I’m not always sure how to begin a conversation with someone I don’t know, but I’m going to start by asking what you think about _____________.” Alternatively, offer a non-committal or relatable comment that gives the person a handle for responding.
Other choices once the conversation is opened and you connect a little further include:
- telling a story no more than several sentences, relevant to the other person’s life or experience
- continuing to ask open-ended questions starting with “how” or “what”
- trying “I wonder” statements to seek additional common ground or mutual interests
- using brief paraphrasing to show you’ve heard the person and then moving to another topic
- finding and expressing any humor in kind and pertinent ways
Make techniques, suggestions, and ideas your own. The foregoing can be used in many initial encounters and adapted to situations where the participants are known to one another. Pursue most any line of inquiry once you’ve established some rapport. Verbal and nonverbal ways to do this include:
- following up on a topic the person introduced
- sustaining good eye contact and other attentive body language
- smiling or at least keeping a kind expression in your eyes
- exploring mutual and complementary interests
- imagining and mentioning subjects or situations, new and pertinent to the individual or group
These expressions of connecting and caring can also be demonstrated in situations that feel strained, whether one-on-one or group.
Stay interesting by keeping well-informed. In addition to attending to others’ interests and following the arc of conversations to natural conclusions, explore these suggestions for enriching the quality of what you have to say. Adapt and add to any of the following:
- Read and watch a range of material to freshen your views and understanding; do this to gather engaging information and ideas, appreciate other points of view, and hone your assumptions and beliefs.
- Imagine in advance a few topics that could engage others. Be prepared with some pithy perspectives, relevant information, and thoughtful questions.
- Practice being light-hearted and serious, recognizing that gentle humor and conversation of some depth are not mutually exclusive.
- Walk in others’ moccasins without losing your own balance by imagining and learning about their interests and concerns.
- And your ideas are?
Benefits. By engaging people in stimulating conversation, you not only learn and enjoy yourself, but also leave good impressions because of the intrinsically positive message of who you are: a person who is informed and attentive to others. Since connecting well in many situations is crucial for professional and personal progress, make the most of precious time for everyone.
The process of making conversation is often in your hands, regardless of the skills of the other person. Practicing being interested and interesting improves your capacities and confidence. It also helps others engage with you. Then, in time, you may share leadership in creating worthwhile conversations.
Ruth Schimel Ph.D. is a career and life management consultant and author of the Choose Courage series on Amazon. She guides clients in accessing their strengths and making viable visions for current and future work. Email ruth@ruthschimel.com to obtain her guide on listening skills and access to her seventh book Happiness and Joy in Work: Preparing for Your Future; benefit from your invitation to a free consultation on her website.
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