No Wonder So Many People Feel Lonely

15 Jul No Wonder So Many People Feel Lonely

Posted at 19:46h in Uncategorized by

Photo by Andrew Winter

by Ruth Schimel PhD, Career & Life Mgt. Consultant, Author

© 5.27.2024, www.ruthschimel.com   ruth@ruthschimel.com   202.659.1772 

Do not use for commercial purposes without Ruth’s permission.

From the Surgeon General’s worrisome social connection advisory to reports of Generation Z (late 1990s to early 2000s) as the loneliest generation, concerns continue. There are many cited reasons for such rife loneliness. They include degradation of social institutions, time spent on social media, and pandemic hangovers. https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf

When admitted, feelings of loneliness can relate to particular situations and personality tendencies. Reasons vary and inter-relate; loneliness may be situational as well as transitory or chronic.  According to sociologist Eric Klinenberg, it’s “our bodies’ signal to us that we need better, more satisfying connections with other people. 

To explore its relevance to you and the people you care about, one place to start is clarifying tendencies and patterns of screen time and face time. Later, some tips for mitigating loneliness in everyday life are suggested. Of course, your own explorations, insights and conversations will be useful as well.

Screen Time

As you consider this, imagine how much of your waking time is spent on watching and working on screens. I’m convinced that a range of technology use, often masquerading as friendly communication, contributes to loneliness. According to Google in 2024, the average person spends 143 minutes on social media each day, up two minutes from 2021’s average. Texting is about 26 minutes daily. Shifts among teens are away from face-to-face communication: https://time.com/5390435/teen-social-media-usage/

Even for important private matters, many turn to social media for advice.  An example that may be surprising is the prevalence of financial influencers — or “finfluencers” — dispensing advice. On TikTok alone, videos tagged with #money have amassed more than 15.3 million posts.

While most Americans get their financial advice from friends, relatives or professionals, a Bankrate survey found that roughly a third of U.S. adults have turned to social media for guidance. Within Generation Z, it was nearly half. (5 thoughts for new college grads seeking to find the right balance between meaningful work and making money (theconversation.com)

Then, there’s screen time in general. The information about actual screen time of about 7 hours daily exposes how little time is available for face-to-face, or deeply engaging communication, whatever the topic. In contrast, typically frequent auto-pilot tendencies of the “how are you?” and brief check ins ilk reflect usual reactive or passive communication. Where is the time for lively give and take that flows more naturally in face-to-face or with longer, open phone conversations? https://explodingtopics.com/blog/screen-time-stats 

The automatic punching out of AI content can be a precursor to more loneliness.  With its increasing use, there’s little risk and personal adventure that’s comes with freewheeling, authentic conversation. So, extensive screen use and practical distractions of AI can increase the sense of loneliness.

 Face Time

In today’s busy, often impersonal world, how many people want to and are comfortable connecting in the honest direct ways that build intimacy and trust? Although marriage and other intimate or close relationships can provide processes for that, there are many other choices. Is Marriage the Key to Happiness and Wealth? One Sociologist Says Yes. | Amanpour and Company (youtube.com) “Workplace besties: How to build relationships at work while staying professional” — https://theconversation.com/workplace-besties-how-to-build-relationships-at-work-while-staying-professional-229792

Consider how you can move beyond habitual phrases, administrative matters and oft-repeated stories to connect with someone you care about. The process would offer the full meaning of the emotion, information and intentions behind what’s expressed. Such effective listening also includes asking and honestly responding to questions that move the conversation forward. (For a guide to effective listening, email Ruth: ruth@ruthschimel.com) 

 Seduction of AI: Example of technology influence  

Screen time considerations may also relate to what will be happening as AI is embraced increasingly for both work and social life. Kevin Roose’s recent New York Times article explored his 18 new best friend AI relationships. Though he finds them somewhat hollow, they become more convincing as they gather information about him over time.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hj5TyWUcK8o  

An implicit question in these iterative AI distractions and offerings is: “will AI relationships embrace human relationships or replace them?” Certainly, they could be less fraught and complicated, but are they real and satisfying? Though such online companions can be activated and adapted as the creator wishes, how would they limit feelings of loneliness?

Quality of Communication: Key to Address Loneliness

As a test of my assumption that technology and screen time gobble emotional energy, time and attention, think about your own communication habits as well as those in your work and social groups. As you respond to the following questions, identify how you can adapt screen and phone time to reconnect with and deepen the connections that have meaning to you.

  1. About what percentage of your awake time goes to screen time and information gathering? Examples are TV programs, smart phone reactions, AI use, social media involvement, texting and email. (Zoom processes, when used creatively to build trusting, productive relationships, are exceptions to the limitations of conventional screen time, in my experience.)
  2. How important is it to you to have some close, authentic sustainable relationships with opportunities for face-to-face and extended phone (or even email) conversation? For example, with my brother by choice who lives in another country, we have fun with several almost daily emails sharing information and ideas that relate to our interests and concerns. They amount to short, continuing conversations with substance that take minimal time because of the quality of the listening and sharing.
  3. Who in your work, family and social life do you trust for sharing authentic feelings and concerns? What actions will you take over time to enrich and sustain those connections?
  4. Considering your friends and family, what are the characteristics that make you look forward to being and communicating openly with them?  
    1. There is balance in initiating communication.  
    2. You respect and learn from them. 
    3. You find them good listeners and learners. 
    4. They demonstrate concretely that they care about you in balanced give and take. 
    5. You like how you are with them.
    6. You generally have fun and stimulation with them.
  5. Whether or not you consider yourself lonely in significant or short-term ways, what three or so specific steps will you take to improve the quality and numbers of your connections?   

Following Up

Based on what you’ve gleaned independently and from reading and considering this article, what two or three specific actions will you take now to mitigate any loneliness you feel? How will you contribute to help decrease the loneliness of people you cherish?

 

For additional exploration, consider and adapt any of the following:

Ruth Schimel Ph.D. is a career and life management consultant and author of the Choose Courage series on Amazon. Obtain the first chapter of her seventh book and in-depth guidance for career clarification with  Happiness and Joy in Work: Preparing for Your Future. Get your invitation to a free consultation as well on her website that’s rich with free information, poetry and monthly, pithy Newsletters geared to readers’ interests.

Photograph by Andrew Winter
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